Tuesday, July 30, 2024

If a celebrity doesn't see it, did it really happen? 

NBC goes overboard with their paparazzi Olympic coverage.

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• Yes, I know you want women's gymnastics, but we're going to start with Women's Rugby! The US was losing to Australia with 30 seconds left. Impossible right? Well, as all Auburn and Alabama fans know, it ain't over 'til it's over. The US makes a miracle play to end the game and wins bronze. They're ecstatic. Australia is crushed. What a way to win or lose a medal.
• NOW we're going to women's gymnastics team competition. You think NBC will skip any US gymnasts like they did with the men last night? Ha ha ha ha ha. No. They won't risk the wrath of their sponsors. Team USA starts on the vault and everyone does well, including Simone Biles, who Tim can't stop talking about in regards to mental health. It was three years ago, Tim. Let it go. The US leads after round one.
• Snoop is back, and he'll be swimming with Michael Phelps. That should be interesting.
• Bob Costas is here watching gymnastics, perhaps waiting to execute a coup on NBC and take over Mike Tirico's post in the restaurant studio. There are more celebrities that I refuse to acknowledge. Last night, NBC didn't even bother to show all the men's routines. Tonight they're showing the women do warmups. In case you were wondering who brings in more money, now you know.
• After Jordan Chiles performs on the uneven bars, we get to see all the same celebrities we just saw, but this time while they’re cheering. Man, this is getting old. I don't care about celebrities, NBC!
• Simone Biles does her routine, but doesn't do "The Biles," a skill named for her. NBC says that "celebrities are watching." Enough already!
• Suni Lee does her routine. Do any celebrities approve? Because that's all that matters. Yes. Satine from the Moulin Rouge is excited. She will love Suni until her dying day.
• More sports you won't get to see! Men's Doubles Tennis. Men's basketball. Men's soccer. And the Men's triathlon… oops!… was postponed because the Seine is a dirty cesspool. I can't imagine that it's going to get clean in the next couple of days. Hopefully Paris has a backup plan. Is the sewer available?
• Snoop and Phelps! The GOAT is going to teach the DOGG how to swim fast. A few laps later, Snoop is gassed and Michael isn't even breathing hard. They should put Snoop in all the races just to show what a mortal looks like agains Olympians.
• To the pool for the Men's 100-meter freestyle semifinals. Google shows us how the lanes are assigned. The fastest swimmers from earlier races are in the middle lanes. And that's better because the water isn't as choppy. I knew this already, but I appreciate an explanation of the sport. I won't count that as fluff.
• Chlorine Daddy is in the second semifinal. He makes the final and so do both Americans, Jack Alexy and Chris Guiliano. We'll see them tomorrow for the medal round.
• US swimmer Regan Smith has a cat who will claw her way to get where she wants. Regan's coach says the same things about her. Her coach, Bob Bowman, is wearing a Longhorn shirt. Down horns, Bob. Her cat will be rooting for her. Maybe. Who knows what cats root for, really? Fluff!
• Now Regan is in the water for the 100-meter backstroke final. She gets silver, so her cat will be disappointed. Or maybe not. Who knows what medal cats want, really? In her post race interview, Regan said she knew it was going to be a dogfight. That's the problem! She got the wrong kind of pet!
• Bobby Finke trains with Katie Ledecky at the University of Florida. They're intense! Fluff.
• Finke is in the 800-meter freestyle final. That will be about eight minutes of swimming. Will NBC take a commercial break in the middle? Maybe not, but Melissa is giving us some mid-race fluff on Bobby Finke, including baby pictures and an interview with his sister. But as long as the race is going on, I don't count it as fluff. Similarly… I was right! NBC does stick a commercial in the middle of the race. Five, actually. But they're doing a picture-in-picture thing, so I can watch the race while the commercials run. I won't count those, either. See, NBC? You CAN do it! And we're back from ads-in-a-box to the full-screen race again. Finke is in third. Oh! He got a good push off the wall on the last stretch! Silver! With 100 meters to go I thought he was stuck with bronze, but that push elevated him. His parents are excited. And so is his sister. But he said he was a little disappointed, "first loser," he said of not repeating as gold medalist. Ricky Bobby concurs.
• It's not a big event unless we can tie Taylor Swift into it. So, once again we play "…Ready For It" while looking at the dramatically-lit Team USA gymnasts. They're ready for it!
• Oof! But Jordan Chiles wasn't ready at the beginning. She fell off as she tried to mount the beam. The rest of her routine was fine, but the Olympic judges are unforgiving. Suni Lee helps out her teammate by doing well.
• Alex Cooper is interviewing Biles again. Cooper is with Simone and her husband, Chicago Bears' Jonathan Owens. Cooper asks their favorite things about each other. Ugh. I had never heard of Cooper before, so I had to look her up to know that she has the second-most popular podcast in the world behind Joe Rogan. I'm kind of amazed, because I've listened to her for two minutes of fluff and I can barely stand to listen any more.
• It's Biles' turn on the balance beam. Perfect? No, but she's the GOAT and her score is still good enough to keep the US in first place.
• And now for NBC's "Event of the Night." It's the same one you've been watching for the last hour-and-a-half. Surprise!
• Team USA watches home videos of themselves. They're all glad there are crowds watching now, compared to Tokyo which was still all COVID-y and empty. They're ready! For fluff.
• Suni Lee is first up on the floor exercise. She does well. Celebrities approve. Jordan Chiles is next. She does well. Celebrities approve.
• Here comes the GOAT! Simone Biles heads to the floor. She even steps out of bounds at one point and smiles at the crowd because she knows she's so good that one little deduction doesn't matter.
• And it's official! US wins gold! U-S-A! U-S-A! I'm just thankful that all of these celebrities were here to see it. Straight to the medal ceremony we go! Oh… wait. No. NBC just shows us some clips of the medal ceremony then goes straight to the post game interview. That's a little cheap.
• Back to swimming for the Men's 4x200-meter freestyle relay. Great Britain and the US are the favorites, and because there was a tie in qualifying, in this race there is a country, Israel, in lane zero. I don't know that I've ever seen that before. Rowdy says that if Britain is in the lead at the halfway point, they'll probably win because their best swimmers are in the last two legs. Let's see if he's right. Britain was ahead after two legs, but the US is only half-a-second back. Nope! Couldn't catch up. Rowdy was right. In fact, he predicted 6:59.4 as the final time for the winner and Britain finished in 6:59.43. That's impressive.
• Steve Kornacki talks about the US vs Australia swim rivalry. He projects the Aussies will get more golds this year. It might come down to Katie Ledecky and what she can do. Do you think Stephen Nedoroscik could use his nerd powers to figure this out?
• Americans in Paris. Coco Gauff got eliminated in single's tennis. BMX Freestyle. 3x3 basketball. Both sports you don’t get to see. Men's volleyball, where NBC's giant graphic on the bottom of the screen blocks the action. Whoops. Anyway, all of these sports… you can't see unless you go to Gold Zone!
• Leon Marchand of France is back in the pool, swimming the 200-meter butterfly semifinal, where he easily wins. Well, easy for him. It wouldn't be easy for you. Or me. Or Snoop. An hour later in real life, but almost instantly thanks to tape delay, he swims again in the 200-meter breaststroke semifinal. He's still fast. Tomorrow he'll go for two golds.
• To Tahiti, where Colin Jost is living his best life. His wife Scarlett Johansson called him out for drinking a pina colada on the air. He rebutted by saying it was a mai tai and showing off his "office," a sand bar in tropical Tahiti. This whole segment of him surfing and exploring the tropical paradise of French Polynesia is funny, but I actually would like to see some surfing competition in one of these segments. They actually show the most viral photo from Tahiti, a picture of Brazilian surfer Gabriel Medina. That's spectacular.
• Finally tonight, we end with a medal ceremony for the US Women. Will they sing? Unfortunately, no. Well, some of them could still have another chance. Start practicing now, ladies!

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Congratulations to the US women! Hopefully all of the celebrities were suitably impressed with their medal. See you tomorrow!

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