Saturday, August 3, 2024

Olympic fluff (Taylor's Version).

Could we make it through the whole night without any fluff? That couldn't happen in my wildest dreams.

---

• We start off the night by spinning the wheel! The mixed team Judo event picks which weight class to start with completely at random. They spin a digital wheel to land on a weight class. France wins! The crowd goes wild!
• Now let's go to the pool where Caeleb Dressel will not be racing, but will be watching the 100-meter fly final from an icy tub. That sounds uncomfortable. Kristof Milak of Hungary wins.
• Canada's Summer McIntosh gets some fluff. Her mom, Jill McIntosh, is her biggest fan. Plus, she swam in the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles. So Jill is a fan who knows what she's talking about. Still fluff.
• Let's watch Summer swim in the 200-meter individual medley. She sets an Olympic record and wins. Mom approves. But it was close. She just barely beats Americans Kate Douglass and Alex Walsh. But wait! Alex made an illegal move on one of her turns, so she's disqualified. That makes this a particularly cruel summer.
• To the track we go, to watch Noah Lyles of the US run in the first heat of the men's 100-meters. He finishes second. Lewis Johnson asks him about it. "I'm not gonna lie. I downplayed my competitors. But don't worry. It won't happen again." No lack of confidence there! Later he says, "I'm pretty scared for everyone else right now." Awesome. He's not worried at all. He's just going to shake it off and move on.
• Americans in Paris! Skeet shooting won gold and silver! Women's soccer defeats Japan! Men's basketball dominates Puerto Rico. All things you don't get to see. Unless you watch Gold Zone. Do you? Somebody must.
• Next up: the semifinals for the women's 100-meters. Melissa Jefferson wins the first semifinal. She'll be moving on.
• Big guys throwing heavy things! Americans Ryan Crouser and Joe Kovacs will be facing off against each other in the shot put. I've said this before, but imagine going to a bowling alley and throwing a 16 pound bowling ball over the pins from the foul line. A shot put is 16 pounds. Bowling pins are 60 feet away. Ryan Crouser throws a shot put over 70 feet. It's crazy.
• It's Sha'Carri time! Her grandmother, Big Mama is here. Uh-oh. Big Mama watches with us as Sha'Carri finishes second. Good thing this is only a semifinal. Ato Bolden thinks she didn't go full out. Hopefully that's true. But what if Julien Alfred wasn't going full out either?
• Back to the big guys. What's this? There's another American, Payton Otterdahl, and now he has moved up to third place over Kovacs. Could the Americans finish one-two-three?
• Another 100-meter semifinal for the women. Twanisha Terry is the US runner in this one. She qualifies for the final, too, making three US runners in the final.
• More shot put! Kovacs throws first and… passes Otterdahl on his last throw. Good timing! "You think Kovacs is happy? Look at his wife," says NBC's announcer. She looks stoic. I think he wanted her to look more excited. Otterdahl makes his last throw. He doesn't improve. Crouser wins gold for the third time! Kovacs gets silver. Good for the US!
• Still at the track, it's time for the mixed 4x400-meter relay. Last night Team USA set a world record, but they almost had a baton transfer mistake. Hopefully they've corrected that problem, because tonight's competition will be tougher. Still, they just set a record, so they're the favorite. They're off! First leg: good! Transfer: good! Shamier Little: in the right place! Team USA is running away with this. OH NO! They're not! It's a nightmare dressed like a daydream! On the last leg, Kaylyn Brown had a huge lead over everyone, but Femke Bol of the Netherlands, who was in fourth place at the last turn, kicked in and passed everyone, including Brown, to win gold. Kaylyn never looked like she was slowing down. Femke just came out of nowhere. It was stunning.
• Tonight Snoop goes to Le Cinq, a three-star Michelin restaurant, with Martha Stewart. And finally, this is the fluff you've been waiting for. They're both playing to type perfectly. Martha knows all of these fancy French foods like the back of her hand. Snoop does not. She's going to make him eat escargo. Snails, Snoop questions? He "accidentally" drops it. I think I could watch this all night. Not that I want to do that during the Olympics. But if someone made a show that was just Martha taking Snoop to fancy restaurants, I'd tune in. Fluff, but a lot of fun.
• How about some Equestrian events at Versailles? Or Men's windsurfing? Perhaps you'd like some Women's Team Saber fencing? You might like them all, but you're not going to see them tonight thanks to Gold Zone.
• It's fluff (Taylor's Version). Taylor Swift narrates a segment showing clips of Katie Ledecky, Simone Biles, and Sha'Carri Richardson and describes how they're all powerful women. They'll never go out of style! Is that all I'm going to write about that? It was only a minute or so long. There wasn't much to it. Just like Taylor Swift. I kid! I kid! It's a joke! Don't @ me, Swifties.
• Anyway, let's watch Simone Biles win some more medals. Probably. I mean, who's going to beat her? We start at the vault. Taking a cue from Tiger Woods, she's dressed in Sunday Red. Surprise! She does some ridiculous move that only she can do and does it perfectly. Twice. Celebrities approve. Rebeca Andrade does a move almost as ridiculous, so she scores slightly less than Biles. Jade Carey does a move slightly less ridiculous and scores slightly less. Those are your three medal winners, in order.
• The Event of the Night is at the track for the women's 100-meter final. Are you ready to watch it? Sure you are, but first, some fluff. Betty Harp, "Big Mama," is Sha'Carri Richardson's grandmother. She's proud of Sha'Carri. So much so that she cries during the interview. That's about it. Not much to that segment.
• To the race! There are three Americans in this final: Richardson, Melissa Jefferson, and Twanisha Terry. Richardson is at the blocks, twisting her hair into a pony tail. Doesn't that seem like something you should do in the locker room? Maybe not. I don't know her routine. They're off! Oooo… nope. Julien Alfred of Saint Lucia, who beat Richardson easily in the semifinal, beats her just as easily in the final. That was Saint Lucia's first gold medal EVER. NBC has a live feed from Saint Lucia of a crowd watching Alfred run. She'll never have to buy a drink in her home country again. But Richardson and Jefferson get silver and bronze, so not a bad showing for the US.
• Now to the Event of the Night, Part Deux: the women's 800-meter freestyle final. Katie Ledecky will be trying for another gold, and her only real competition is Australia's Ariarne Titmus. Halfway through, it's Ledecky in first, Titmus a quarter-second behind, and no one else within three seconds. At 600-meters, suddenly Ledecky takes off, Titmus is falling behind and –lookie there!– American Paige Madden is now pushing her hard in third place. Last leg! Ledecky is going to win, and Madden can' t quite catch Titmus. Katie is now the first woman in history to win four golds in the same event. There's your motivation for 2028, Simone! Of course, Ledecky could come back in L.A. and make it five.
• Now the mixed 4x100-meter relay in swimming. No baton to pass here, but there is a team from the Netherlands. Watch out for the Dutch, Team USA! They're sneaky! The US wins! They edged out China by 0.12 seconds for a new world record and a gold medal.
• Road cycling! They started at the Eiffel Tower, rode out to Versailles then back through the streets of Paris. They finished at the Eiffel Tower, too. It looked pretty amazing from the replay. A hero would have shown us more of this event, but NBC is run by an anti-hero.
• Nerd alert! It's time for the men's pommel horse final. Stephen Nedoroscik is ready and waiting.
• How do you learn pommel horse? John Roethlisburger is going to show us! A child demonstrates. The boy starts off with short stand called a mushroom, then puts his legs into a 5-gallon bucket suspended on a rope to swing his legs around. Who knew that you could start your Olympic training program by first going to the painting department at Lowe's.
• NBC is leaning into the Clark Kent meme for Stephen Nedoroscik. They fill this segment with a bunch of AI-generated images of Stephen as Clark Kent/Superman. Fluff, but arty fluff.
• More nerd fluff! Stephen is visualizing his pommel horse routine WHILE solving a Rubik's Cube. Imagine the difficulty score he would have if he actually did his routine while solving a Rubik's Cube. That would be the greatest pommel horse ever.
• Now he's on the pommel horse. He looks great! But what do I know. Not much apparently. He's currently in third. Can anyone else beat his score? I'm not the one to ask, but hopefully not. They don't! Stephen wins another bronze! Nerds rule! And in reference to Superman, someone made him an American flag cape. That's awesome.
• Katie Ledecky is in the restaurant studio with Mike, wearing her chest full of medals from Paris, two golds, a silver, and a bronze. She talks about her races against Titmus, and how they mutually respect each other. Her family is standing just off camera, supporting her just as they have for the last 12 years. Mike asks about L.A. and she says she'd love to be there for 2028.
• Medal ceremony time! Katie sings and invites Paige Madden to the top of the podium to sing with her. Katie is laughing. Paige is crying. Crying, laughing, and singing! This is the best medal ceremony ever!
• Another medal ceremony, this time for Ukraine. The women won in team fencing. Mike introduced it with a little speech that borders on fluff, but since he transitioned into a medal ceremony, I'll let it go.

---

The fluff count had been getting higher recently and I was starting to get worried, but it went down tonight, so maybe that's a good sign now that we're past the halfway point. Hopefully it stays down, because if it doesn't, NBC, we are never ever getting back together. Like ever. See you tomorrow!

Back to home