Sunday, August 4, 2024

The fastest men in the world.

How close was the men's 100-meter final? *snap* That close.

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• Let's jump right in with women's cycling, a road race through the streets of Paris! Just like the men, they start at the Trocadero and ride toward the Eiffel Tower. So pretty. We join with 3 kilometers left and American Kristen Faulkner makes her break from the group of four and… no one even tries to follow her? What? The second through fourth place riders all stare at each other like "Are you going to chase her?" and none of them actually do. Well, fortune favors the bold, and Faulkner wins the gold with no one else in sight.
• To the pool we go. What haven't they swam yet? Ah! The women's 50m freestyle final. Gretchen Walsh is the lone American. Old lady Sarah Sjoestroem is going for another medal. And she gets it! Gold for Sjoestroem at 30 years old. Walsh finishes fourth by one-one hundredth of a second.
• The men's 1,500m freestyle final. Bobby Finke is representing the US in this one. This race will be about 15 minutes long. What will happen first? Fluff or a commercial break? Melissa Stark talks about Bobby not swimming his own race, but instead he watches his opponents and judges how fast he has to swim to beat them. Interesting. Katie Ledecky just goes out and dares you to keep up with her. Finke's method sounds more like he's taunting you. Commercial! Called it! Two minutes of picture-in-picture ads. We're almost halfway now, and we're going to talk to Bobby Finke's sisters, Summer and Autumn. How did Bobby not end up named Spring or Winter? Now they're talking about how Bobby IS running his own race, and daring everyone to keep up. It's worth noting here that Bobby trains with Katie Ledecky. Maybe she's rubbing off on him. With 100 meters left, Finke is ahead by over a second and swimming ahead of world record time. In the last 50 meters he really turns it on. Repeat gold medal! World record! Hard to beat that. As for his sisters, it is the summer and autumn of their content.
• The men's vault final is next. Are there any Americans in this one? No? Annnnnd why should I care? Carlos Yulo of the Philippines, who just won that country's first gold medal ever when he did his floor routine the other night, now has a twofer. Yulo: two gold medals. Every other Philippines resident ever: zero gold medals.
• Today in Paris! Djokovic wins gold in tennis! Scheffler wins gold in golf! And Scottie gets a medal ceremony! Is he singing? Yes! And crying! Awesome.
• Noah Lyles fluff! He wants to be Usain Bolt. I mean, who doesn't? He's cocky. He's confident. But he's backing it up. So far. Don't pull a Sha'Carri, Noah!
• It's time for Noah to race in the 100m semifinal. His main competitor is Jamaica's Oblique Seville. Is his brother Perpendicular Seville? Race on! Seville beats Lyles by two-hundredths.
• Next heat! Kenny Bednarek is the US racer. His nickname is "Kung Fu" Kenny because he's wears a headband when he races. Was he fast as lightning? Not quite. He was fourth, but still under 10 seconds, so he still has a chance to advance to the final.
• In the last semifinal, Fred Kerley is the US racer. He used to be the fastest American before Lyles beat him. Can he get back to the final tonight? Wow. Yes. He finishes second in a really fast heat. And with that heat, "Kung Fu" Kenny is in. That's three runners from the US in the final.
• Yaroslava Mahuchikh is the world-record-holding high jumper from Ukraine. She's trying to inspire her countrymen during her Olympics. Her grandmother is glad she can ignore all the Russian rockets hitting the city. Fluff. But she makes her first jump, so that's good.
• Nia Akins of the US is trying to qualify for the women's 800m final. She finishes third, so she's out of the final. Boo. But Juliette Whittaker of Team USA does qualify. Why did we watch the race of the person who did NOT qualify?
• Jacob Ingebrigtsen of Norway is there to win. He was on a reality show with his brothers, where his father pushed them to be better racers. Would people watch that? Norwegians eat lutefisk, so they have different tastes. His father was later charged with physical abuse. Maybe not the most stable of families.Anyway, now Jacob and his wife Elisabeth have a baby girl, and Elisabeth thinks he'll be a really good father. Awwww. Fluff.
• Now Jacob is in the 1,500m semifinal against his smack-talking rival, Josh Kerr of Great Britain. Those two finish top two, but American Cole Hocker is right there with him and all three advance.
• More from the women's high jump. Australia's Nicola Olyslagers is challenging Mahuchikh for the lead. Both make their jumps. Later, Olyslager misses and Mahuchikh wins. Do you know how the high jump competition works? Not if you rely on NBC, you don't.
• Yared Nuguse is in the second semifinal, trying to be the second American to advance to the men's 1,500m final. He moves up to the front of the pack right from the start, setting the pace and making everyone else challenge his pace. That was a good choice. He leads beginning to end, and fellow American Hobbs Kessler finishes second. Three Americans in the final!
• Back to the dirty water of the Seine. Mike says the mixed triathlon will go on tomorrow, E Coli be damned!
• Snoop and Martha Stewart are dressed up in riding gear and heading to Versailles to see the dressage competition. Martha knows the rules. Snoop is learning. He likes it. They watch for a while with Martha pointing out the finer points of dressage. I'm assuming she's correct. I don't know any more about it than Snoop does. Back in the studio, Martha gives the technical breakdown while Mike and Snoop add additional commentary. With the last horse, they add some of Snoop's music for the background. Martha thought the riders were exquisite. Snoop was happy to feed the horses carrots. A fun segment, but yes, fluff.
• A rarity in the Olympics, we now head to a gymnastics event that Simone Biles won't win. She didn't qualify for the individual uneven bars, so the US will rely on Suni Lee to get them a medal.
• Suni is anxious, so she writes in a journal. What incredible secrets is she writing in her diary? Self-affirmation quotes. Boorrrring. I was hoping for some dirt! "Simone lets her husband wear her medals." Scandal!
• Simone isn't competing, but that doesn't mean she doesn't get some fluff tonight. Look at her dance in front of these lights and smile in slow-motion. She'll be here tomorrow night!
• Suni gets bronze. What? You wanted a description? Okay. She swung around the uneven bars doing a bunch of moves, all of which were impressive, and then she made a small hop on the landing. That's all I really know.
• At the pool, the US men have won 10 straight gold medals in the 4x100m medley relay –every one since 1984– and tonight they're going for number 11. That's amazing. The most amazing thing might be that there isn't any fluff about that record. We just get straight into the race. GO! The US is in second after the first leg. Second leg? Fourth! Oh no! But now Caeleb Dressel is swimming breaststroke and he's pulling Team USA back into it. After three legs, the US is second! Hunter Armstrong, the US is counting on you! Nooooo! China wins, US second. The streak is over!
• The men had their chance, now it's the women's turn in the 4x100m medley relay. But here, it's the Australians who are dominant, having won the last 8 times. Regan Smith gets the US off to a fast start, leading the first leg. Lilly King takes leg two and the US is swimming at world record speed. Gretchen Walsh stretches the lead even further, and Torri Huske starts out the final leg over three seconds ahead of Canada. The only drama now is can the US get a world record? And the answer is… YES! Australia pulls out a silver, but that race decides the total medal count between the two countries, which NBC has been calling "Duel in the Pool," in Team USA's favor. The final total: USA 8 golds, Australia 7 golds.
• Let's get ready to rummmblllllllle! It's time for the men's 100m final, the biggest event in the Olympics, and the stadium is rocking. Lights! Sounds! Excitement! But first, fluff!
• Noah Lyles wants to be the fastest man who ever lived. Growing up he had asthma. He's overcome it. The bigger the stage, the better he is, he says. Let's hope so. Because the semifinal heats didn't show that. Fluff!
• Is this going to be the fastest 100m ever? I'm not sure, but how many of these men broke 10 seconds in their semifinal heats? I'm not positive, but i think all of them. Has that ever happened before? Noah comes out during his introduction, jumping down the track and pumping up the crowd. Save some of that energy for the race, Noah!
• There are three Americans in the final. Noah is the biggest personality on the starting blocks. Is he the fastest runner? Let's watch! Wow! That was close! It's a photo finish! And it's Noah for gold! Fred Kerley gets bronze! Lyles won with a time of 9.79 seconds. The slowest time was 9.91. Just 12 hundredths of a second separated first from last place. Wow!
• Noah heads into the crowd and finds his mom. Awwwww. NBC shows a split-screen replay at the moment they posted Lyles winning. She is very excited. Wouldn't you be? Lewis Johnson interviews Noah Lyles. Noah thought he got outleaned at the line. Once he found out he won? "Oh shoot, I'm incredible!" He's the best.
• Ato Bolden breaks down the 100m race. Is this fluff? No, I don't think so. This is analysis. Noah was in last place at 20, 30, and even 40 meters. But he was the fastest runner over the last 60 meters. And he had the best lean. Good work, Ato!
• Xfinity already has a "congratulations Noah" ad that includes footage from tonight's race. That's kind of impressive.
• Americans in Paris! Archery! Women's beach volleyball! Women's basketball! All things you won't see here, only on Gold Zone!
• Steve Kornacki is going to give us some statistics on medal wins. Specifically, he's talking about the dominance of US Women's Basketball. I don't know why his segment exists. If NBC would have just shown us longer basketball highlights, they could have hit all of these things WHILE we were showed game footage. As it is, we just got to see some geek drawing numbers on a giant teleprompter. How is that an improvement? Fluff.
• Mike waxes poetic near the end of the show and tells us that just because athletes are professionals now instead of amateurs like the Olympics of old, it doesn't mean the athletes love it any less. NBA stars can exist right next to badminton players. Uh-huh. Sure. Let's see the badminton players get primo seats to the gymnastics finals like the NBA stars do. Nobody's buying it, Mike.
• Medal ceremony time! The women from the 4x100m medley relay are ready to sing. Right? Well, let's see. Regan Smith? Yes! Lilly King? Yes! Gretchen Walsh? Still a no. Torri Huske? Yes! WAIT! Now even Gretchen is singing! She finally caught on. Peer pressure works! Regan almost cries, but pulls it back at the last second. Way to go, ladies!

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I'm glad the swimming is finally over. There are only so many times someone crossing the pool is exciting, although tonight's races were impressive. But I love the track events, and Noah Lyles is awesome. Let's see if he can indeed pull of the double by winning the 200m. See you tomorrow!

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