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| Events | Ads | Fluff |
* Welcome to the last weeknight of the Sochi Olympics. It's a short night tonight, only three hours instead of three-and-a-half, so Bob kicks us right into the action by sending us over to the Iceberg for the 500-meter men's short track speed skating.
* Oh, no! It's Ohno! Not on the ice, but in the booth tonight as NBC's short track analyst. He's all right as an analyst when he's watching the replay, but he's a little unsure of himself during the race. That's kind of ironic, don't you think?
* Finish the race, kids! In J.R. Celski's qualifying race, the Japanese racer crashed first, then Celski crashed one lap later. It looked like J.R. would fail to advance to the next round. But no! The South Korean racer had interfered with the Japanese racer, so the Korean was disqualified. But because J.R. had the awareness to get back up and finish the race in third place, the disqualification officially moved him into second. Had he just laid there like the Japanese racer did, he would have been eliminated. Weirdness on the short track!
* Back at the Fortress of Solitude, Bob injects some politics into the games, telling us about the Ukrainian conflict and how athletes from the Ukraine are protesting as much as the IOC will allow. He then gets up on his soapbox and speaks out against Putin and how Vladimir still oppresses civil rights. I actually agree with Bob's speech here, but I will note that NBC didn't seem to have as much of a problem with these kind of issues six years ago when marathon racers were running through Tiananmen Square.
* To the mountain for the women's slalom race. Let's watch some Mikaela Shiffrin fluff! She used to pack too many bags and not know how to speak German. Now she's better at both. More random Mikaela trivia: she travels with her mom all across Europe and studies videos of other skiers to make herself better. It almost seems like some of these fluff pieces are just thrown into a blender and assembled at random.
* Mikaela must have been watching the right videos, because she finishes the first run of the slalom in first place. The other American in this race, Resi Stiegler, has an Austrian father and has made it into these Olympics, says Dan Hicks, through sheer perseverance. With a backstory like that, why doesn't she get some fluff? Because she finished in 26th place, that's why.
* Did you play hooky for hockey today? If so, then you already know the results of this replay of the USA losing to Canada 1-0 this afternoon. Pbbbbttt! That's about all I have to say about that.
* J.R. Celski has a special bond with another Seattle performer. Hopefully it's not anyone from Alice In Chains. It would be bad if J.R. ended up with a heroin habit. Whew! Fortunately it's not. Instead, he's friends with Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. So instead of doing smack he'll be poppin' tags. Wait a minute... Macklemore was in rehab for a drug problem? Maybe he's not better than Alice In Chains. Anyway, J.R. got to make a documentary video of Macklemore. I think this whole segment is really just and excuse to get some hip-hop into the program. You know, for the kids! Fluff.
* In-race-Ohno describes J.R.'s semifinal race by saying it will be fast and someone might fall down. You don't say? Replay-Ohno can actually break down the race with some good technical points. If In-Race-Ohno ever gets as good as Replay-Ohno, he could be an outstanding commentator.
* Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski are back in the studio, "Why?" Asks Bob rhetorically. Because this lets NBC squeeze some more rating points out of figure skating. That's not the stated reason, of course, they're really talking about the scoring controversy last night that allowed Russian Adelina Sotnikova to win gold. Johnny and Tara double down; they agreed with the decision last night and they still agree with it tonight. The why's are unimportant, but they basically say that all of the people who are protesting the result don't know what they're talking about. It's refreshing to hear commentary like that. Bob is right. Tara and Johnny should have their own show. It's still fluff tonight, though.
* We're back on the mountain for round two of the women's slalom. Did you ever wonder how the skiers know which poles to go around? I did, so I looked it up. If you go to page 15 of the Alpine Canada Officials Course Manual, you can see exactly how to set up a slalom course of your own. The short explanation: they're not going around single poles, they're going through two-pole gates. Just click on the link. It'll make perfect sense when you look at the diagram.
* None of the skiers are doing particularly well on their final run. Even Maria Hoefl-Reisch, the defending gold medalist, almost missed a gate and can finish no better than third. Mikaela is the last skier to go. She's great on top.. AAA!!! She almost lost it. One of her skis flew up in the air but she regained control. Shiffrin wins! She's the youngest American alpine skiing medalist ever and she sounds like it when she's talking to her mom about her near crash. That's not a bad thing, I'm just saying she talks like an 18 year old. Congratulations, Mikaela!
* In some more well-timed product placement, Proctor and Gamble has their Mikaela Shiffrin ad ready to go immediately after her win. I wonder if they had a Resi Stiegler ad ready to go, just in case?
* Back to the long track and the men's relay, where the first match is USA versus Canada. You know, I'm a little tired of facing the Canadians at this point. Can't we match up against someone else? Bleah. Canada wins again. Hockey... skating... is there any event we can beat them in?
* The next race is France versus the Netherlands. The Dutch have been cleaning up in speed skating this year and they win this one, too. It must be the uniforms.
* Viktor Ahn, short track speed skater formerly of South Korea but now of Russia, chose his new name, says Terry Gannon, because it is close to "victory." You know what it's even closer to? "Victor." It's as if those two words are related somehow. Unsurprisingly, Viktor is the victor in the 500-meter race.
* And now it's time for the women's 1500-meter short track. No one crashes, and American Jessica Smith finishes fourth of four. There was only one position change the last three laps. Borrring.
* Speaking of long boring races... next up is the 45-lap 5000-meter short track relay. I'm betting there will be a commercial break in the middle of this one. There will be five teams with four members a piece all on the ice at once. Perhaps I spoke too soon. Two racers wipe out on the first turn. Only 44 and a half laps to go!
* Just before this race started, NBC had some great footage shot of the team relay practice session. They mounted a GoPro on one of the skater's heads. If you think short track looks fast and chaotic from above, you should see what it looks like strapped onto a skater. Madness!
* Only 25 laps to go now. Maybe there won't be a commercial break. This is going pretty fast. I wish NBC would zoom out so we could see more than just the Russians and Americans, who are currently one-two. 15 laps to go. I don't know how anyone can figure out where they are on the ice. There are 20 people in there and I'm getting dizzy just watching them. 6 laps to go! The US and Russia are changing positions every couple of laps. 3 laps to go! J.R. Celski is trying to run down Viktor Ahn... and he can't do it. Viktor is the victor again. The US gets silver, their only speed skating medal in these games. Well, at least we didn't lose to the Canadians this time.
* Willie Geist is back to give us some updates on what's happening with social media. Blah blah blah Facebook blah blah blah Yahoo blah blah blah tumblr... is someone sponsoring this fluff? I surely hope that NBC isn't doing this for free.
* Tonight's medal ceremony is for Maddie Bowman, who won gold in last night's ski halfpipe. She sings every word of the national anthem, smiling and laughing all the way through. I might have to make this year's US team my favorite team ever if this singing trend keeps up.
The most fluff, the least events, Canada's inexplicable dominance of the US... if it wasn't for Mikaela Shiffrin, this night would be a disaster. Maybe NBC is gradually increasing the amount of fluff so we won't bail on their programming, like the proverbial frog in the pot. It is getting pretty hot in here, isn't it? See you tomorrow!
