Why I'm Running...
Hello. My name is Will Rockwood, and as you obviously know by now, I'm running for president of the United States of America, the greatest country in the world in a world...uh...filled with countries. Anyway, I'm sure many of you are wondering why I, an otherwise busy comic strip star, would be running for the highest office of this great land. The simple answer is, I'm running because I have no choice.
For too long now, our country has been lead by three-dimensional men who exhibit two-dimensional thinking. Clearly this juxtaposition is why the government is such a mess. I intend to straighten out this country's bureaucratic nightmare by restoring the two-dimensional thinking to where it rightly belongs: two-dimensional characters!
How can someone who lives in three dimensions possibly make black-and-white decisions when he's too worried about up-and-down, left-and-right, or front-and-back? I, on the other hand, am more than qualified to make black-and-white decisions, because I am always black-and-white! (Except, of course, on Sundays, but government offices are closed then, so that shouldn't be a problem.)
Also I, better than any other candidate, truly represent you, the average American. I have never owned a baseball team, played professional basketball, been a fighter pilot, or invented the internet. I am not a millionaire (though I'm open to any offers to change that). I have obtained all of my fortune through honorable means, not by charging outrageous prices for hot dogs at my ballpark or by trading strictly-incidental-information-I-assure-you to the Chinese for moneys which may or may not have ended up in my campaign's slush fund.
No, I am a sincerely average person and I intend to run a sincerely average campaign based on sincerely average issues. Who cares about the social policies of some backwards, third-world nation? I want to know why the federal government funds stoplights that turn red for you at 3 a.m. when you're the only car on the road. Issues like those are what the real America cares about and they are the issues I intend to address.
So please, take a look around the Rockwood 2000 web site. I think after reading through it you'll agree that it's time for a dramatic change in American leadership. It's time that the average American was represented in the White House. It's time that a cartoon besides Ross Perot was an eligible candidate.
It's time that Will Rockwood was president of the United States.
Thanks in advance for your support.