Last update August 16, 2000
Will Rockwood


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Vote Will Rockwood for President

What specific items make up Will Rockwood's campaign for president? To be honest, Will thinks that platforms are overrated, as they tend to dwell on the known, whereas the judge of a presidency is how he handled the unknown.

Character does indeed count, and let it be said right up front that Will Rockwood has never had "sexual relations" with any intern, nor will he ever.

That being said, there are certain issues that Will feels have been overlooked in the current campaigns for president. Items that affect the American people far more regularly than such esoteric things like campaign finance reform or how to spell "potato."

It is these things that Will believes will determine the greatness of his presidency. And like any list, it's always in flux, so check back often to watch the list get longer.

David Lee Roth back in Van Halen

Even now, as rumors of a reunion fly through the air, Will feels that this is no time to take chances. It's time that Eddie Van Halen realizes that as much as he dislikes him, the Diamond Dave era of Van Halen was clearly the band's golden time.

So, much like Bill Clinton's inauguration led to the at least temporary reunion of Fleetwood Mac, Will Rockwood's inauguration party will invite Van Halen, not Van Hagar or Van Cherone, to be the presidential band. After all, if America is going to rock its way into the 21st century, there's hardly a better band to do it.

Get-Out of Jail Free Cards

How many times have you been cruising safely along on an otherwise deserted highway, only to have a policeman ticket you for exceeding the speed limit by a few miles-per-hour? Or perhaps you got back to the parking meter after 61 minutes instead of 60 and found a surprise waiting on your windshield?

Under the Rockwood administration, every American would annually get one "get-out-of-jail-free" card, able to be used on any sort of "victimless crime" like these. Hopefully, this will discourage the police from setting up quota-filling countryside speedtraps and instead get them back into the city where they're needed.

Macs Over PCs

This isn't so much a policy as a shameless grab for votes. Anytime an online poll pits Mac versus PC in anything, Mac users turn out in droves and vote PCs into the ground. Quite frankly, appealing to Mac users is like conventional candidates appealing to the elderly. Positions be damned! Whatever it takes to get the vote!

However, even though it is a shameless grab for votes, the writing is clearly on the wall. In four years, Microsoft will be three companies, Compaq will be broke, Intel will be even further behind AMD, and Windows 2004 will have 250,000 bugs. Meanwhile, every other home appliance will be five shades of translucent plastic and plug in to your home iVideo editing system. There's only one platform that's driving all of that, and therefore, Will Rockwood throws all of his support behind the Macintosh.

Of course, the PlayStation 2 could come along and wipe out everyone, but if that happens then neither Mac nor PC votes matter, do they?

Ban That Pepsi Girl

Nothing against the actress herself, but those Pepsi commercials with the little girl with the dubbed voice of an adult are creepy. As president, Will wouldn't have the power to actually prohibit someone's free speech, but much like sex and violence on TV, this is something that should just plain be spoken out against. Stop the madness!


Will Rockwood pledges that he has chosen to never have an abortion.

TV Violence

Will's solution for TV violence is simple. Anyone who thinks that real violence is caused by a cartoon coyote falling off a cliff, or by showing Elmer shooting Daffy, will officially be declared a moron, be voted onto the "Survivor" island, and hopefully be beaten silly on national T.V. by that Navy S.E.A.L. and that truck driver! Then we'll drop an anvil on 'em.



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