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Rockwood/Sterling Register At Mall
Wednesday, November 1, 2000
MIAMI, FL --While shoring up their base of supporters in a two-bedroom apartment near Miami Beach, the Will Rockwood/Skip Sterling campaign for the presidency took time out Tuesday afternoon to register at the local mall for Inauguration dinnerware.
"We want to make sure we're prepared," said Rockwood. "I mean, how embarrassing would it be to try and host some international function after we take office only to find out that Clinton ran off with the dishes?"
Skip Sterling chimed in, "And don't think that Billy-boy won't do it, either! I just saw a reservation for a night's stay in the Lincoln Bedroom advertised on E-Bay."
"The bid was up to six Playstation 2s," he said, "This is very serious."
Rockwood and Sterling decided on an unusual pattern for their flatware, according to campaign manager Al Vanguard. "It's kind of a cartoon theme," he said, "You know, Mickey Mouse, Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes. A little bit of everything."
Rockwood said that he and Sterling had also added a bread-maker to their list of registered items. "I think the leader of the free world should be able to get fresh bread every day," he said, "After all, you don't want someone with their finger on the button to be cranky."
Sterling was responsible for picking out towels and sheets. "Dude, satin sheets are just the way to go. All those intern chicks really dig 'em. And as for towels, I only got bath towels, no hand towels or forearm towels, or whatever those other kind of towels are called that chicks make you buy but then you can't use. Everything in the Rockwood/Sterling White House is going to be functional!"
Rockwood pointed out his registering as a sign that he truly is in the lead in the election, despite what the polls say. "Why aren't Bush and Gore registering for stuff? Easy... no confidence! They know they're behind, so what's the point?"
Rockwood/Sterling Ticket Hits Campaign Trail
Monday, September 18, 2000
EAST SAINT LOUIS, IL --Speaking from one of the most run-down sections of the country, Will Rockwood and his new vice-presidential running mate Skip Sterling promised to rebuild America from the bottom up, even if they had to buy every vote necessary to win the election.
"Dude," said Sterling while walking past a burned out shell of a '78 Monte Carlo, "I know money, and I know what it can influence, and believe me when I tell you that East Saint Louis is now firmly in the Rockwood/Sterling camp."
Rockwood and the independently-wealthy Sterling spent all day in Saint Louis' dangerous sister city across the Mississippi River handing out campaign literature with half of a single $20 bill stapled to each flyer.
"It's a brilliant plan, really," said Rockwood, "It takes a lot of money to buy the vote of a single rich person, but the poor go cheap, there are a lot more of them, and their votes count just the same."
Rockwood 2000 campaign manager Al Vanguard said the response was overwhelmingly positive. "Since we only give them half a bill and promise the other half on election day, we expect a strong turnout."
Vanguard also defended the legality of the plan. "Sure it's shady, maybe even illegal, but at least it's out in the open. It's not like we're taking a bunch of money under the table from Hindu priests or something."
Sterling went even further. "If Gore thinks it's illegal, let's see him try to produce some proof. I don't think that after eight years of 'gun control' he's willing to venture into East Saint Louis to get evidence of any corruption."
As for his other competitors, Rockwood was brief and to the point. "What could be more compassionate than giving someone twenty bucks? Think of it as an instant tax refund."
Rockwood Proposes Bold New Debate Plan
Monday, September 11, 2000
CHICAGO, IL --Throwing a new monkey wrench into the major parties' campaign gears, Toon Party presidential candidate Will Rockwood proposed his own twist on the upcoming debates.
"Clearly the current system is a joke," said Rockwood. "Under the current rules, a candidate answers the actual question asked as briefly possible, then goes into a two-minute monologue of his own campaign speech. And really, does anyone want to hear Gore ramble on for another two minutes?"
Rockwood 2000 campaign manager Al Vanguard said Rockwood's plan was "genius" not only in its informative nature, but also in its potential ratings.
"Quite simply," said Vanguard, "It's the WWF meets the presidential race."
Rockwood's plan would put Bush, Gore, Ralph Nader, Pat Buchanan, Harry Browne, and himself all on one stage in a debate format moderated by now-ex-Indiana University basketball coach Bobby Knight, who would be equipped with a stack of chairs. Panelists would include Jerry Springer, Oprah Winfrey, and Geraldo Rivera, with possible later additions.
In random order, the candidates would be asked questions by the previously mentioned panelists and REQUIRED to answer only the question. If the candidate at any time deviates from answering the question into an obviously pre-prepared campaign speech, then moderator Knight would be allowed to throw chair at the offender. Continued violation of this rule would allow Knight the option of either throwing more chairs, strangling the offending candidate, or a combination of the two.
Furthermore, candidates would be restricted to speaking only of their own record, not of other's shortcomings. Any candidate who is insulted by another candidate can at any time yell "Throw down, girlfriend!!!" and physically charge the offender without the threat of restriction from Springer's bouncers. The melee will be officially over when one candidate verbally calls for truce or when Knight hurls a chair into the action.
Rockwood thinks that his plan will not only create a true debate over ideas, but also provide the spark missing from so much political debate today.
"C'mon," he said, "You KNOW you want to see Nader take a swing at Gore, and with my format, he'll get the chance."
While none of the major political camps seemed to come out in favor of Rockwood's plan, Libertarian Harry Browne did say he would consider it as long as "his Second Amendment rights would not be infringed." Rockwood had no comment.