How does candidate Will Rockwood feel about local issues? National issues? International issues? Now's your chance to find out! Will would love to hear from you about your questions and concerns about the future (or the past, but be warned--he can't change that).

Just write to him here and he'll pick out selected letters to answer. By "selected letters," of course, we mean any letters that back up our position, after all we wouldn't want any free thinking in this country, now, would we?

Monday, February 21, 2000
Shouldn't Janet Reno allow Bill Gates to return to his family in Cuba?
(Sorry, I had to ask--like the page btw, I'm a big Rockwood fan. Your foreign language page almost made me choke on my Twizzler).
--Nathan Stilwell

No, Nathan, the Rockwood administration has something very different in mind for Mr. Gates. As part of the Microsoft settlement with the Justice Department, Gates will be required to purchase all of Cuba with his spare change and turn it into a giant island amusement park. Havana-land, anyone?

And by the way, the Rockwood 2000 campaign assumes no responsibility for anyone choking on their food while reading through our site. Consider this your warning. If you can't eat and laugh at the same time then come back here later!

Chris, I don't want to be liberal, moderate, or conservative. I don't want to liberate anything moderated or conserved, moderate anything conservatively liberal, or conserve anything moderated, liberated, or conserved. As your president, I just don't want to do that. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a new kind of candidate, Chris. And I think that's a good thing. We're forging a new trail for America, and by November, all the other candidates will be asking themselves, do you consider yourself a Toon or a non-Toon?

1) How tall are you? From here you appear to be less than 2" tall, but my monitor's at 1024X768.

2) Can you out-hair Bush and Gore?
-T.C. Chavez

Excellent questions, T.C., and they're actually kind of related to each other. Right at six feet tall, Will wouldn't be tall enough to beat Bill Bradley, but with the height of his hair, he should be able to fake being tall enough to defeat anyone else.

As far as "out-hairing" Bush and Gore...please! Bush's frat-boy cut and Gore's plug-ready scalp are no match for Will's giant spike! These two Vanillas-in-Chief just wish they had hair half as exciting or memorable as Will Rockwood. Mark my words, come November, the candidate who most models his hair after Will's will be the one making plans for a January inauguration party.

Mother, mother, you've asked a good question. The hardest part of picking a good campaign theme song is there are so many to chose from. For instance, upon reflection, Clinton would have been better off with Kiss's "Calling Dr. Love" rather than something by Fleetwood Mac. And while Monster Magnet does indeed give the necessary kick-in-the-pants to any average campaign, Rockwood 2000 is no average campaign. No, we needed a song that reflected our goals, so the Official Song of the Rockwood 2000 Campaign is "All I Wanna Do (Is Have Some Fun)" by Sheryl Crow. This may seem strange, but remember, we were looking for something that reflected our goals, and what makes a better goal than having Sheryl Crow personally come to your inauguration party?

It's quite simple, really. Under each of the Rockwood cabinet member's desks will be an ape mask. Any time Chuck ventures forth into our offices, we'll put on the masks, throw a net over him, and just wait until he shouts out "Get your hands off of me you damned, dirty apes" so we'll know he's cracked. Then we'll give him a horse and a native girl and let him ride off down the beach. We don't anticipate any problems.

Who says a president can't slap someone in these situations? Sure it hasn't happened recently, but look who you're dealing with: Bush was a wimp, Clinton was a lover, not a fighter, and Reagan, while probably willing, was just too old. But think back... can't you imagine Teddy Roosevelt busting a few chops in his day? Rockwood will bring a new, vibrant energy to the White House that hasn't been seen since those "Bully!" days of the early 20th century.

So you can bet your britches that if the Japanese ambassador says something to upset Will, he won't respond with a simple vomiting. The Rockwood administration will be the 21st century version of "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Except instead of a stick, we're thinking megatons.