How does candidate Will Rockwood feel about local issues? National issues? International issues? Now's your chance to find out! Will would love to hear from you about your questions and concerns about the future (or the past, but be warned--he can't change that).
Just write to him here and he'll pick out selected letters to answer. By "selected letters," of course, we mean any letters that back up our position, after all we wouldn't want any free thinking in this country, now, would we?
Monday, February 21, 2000
Shouldn't Janet Reno allow Bill Gates to return to his family in Cuba?
(Sorry, I had to ask--like the page btw, I'm a big Rockwood fan. Your
foreign language page almost made me choke on my Twizzler).
No, Nathan, the Rockwood administration has something very different in mind for Mr. Gates. As part of the Microsoft settlement with the Justice Department, Gates will be required to purchase all of Cuba with his spare change and turn it into a giant island amusement park. Havana-land, anyone?
And by the way, the Rockwood 2000 campaign assumes no responsibility for anyone choking on their food while reading through our site. Consider this your warning. If you can't eat and laugh at the same time then come back here later!
Tuesday, February 29, 2000
Will, do you consider yourself Liberal, Moderate, or Conservative?
Chris, I don't want to be liberal, moderate, or conservative. I don't want to liberate anything moderated or conserved, moderate anything conservatively liberal, or conserve anything moderated, liberated, or conserved. As your president, I just don't want to do that. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a new kind of candidate, Chris. And I think that's a good thing. We're forging a new trail for America, and by November, all the other candidates will be asking themselves, do you consider yourself a Toon or a non-Toon?
Wednesday, March 8, 2000
Reading Scott Adams, I noted that 75% of past presidental elections were
won by the taller candidate, and failing that, the one with the best
1) How tall are you? From here you appear to be less than 2" tall, but
my monitor's at 1024X768.
2) Can you out-hair Bush and Gore?
Excellent questions, T.C., and they're actually kind of related to each other. Right at six feet tall, Will wouldn't be tall enough to beat Bill Bradley, but with the height of his hair, he should be able to fake being tall enough to defeat anyone else.
As far as "out-hairing" Bush and Gore...please! Bush's frat-boy cut and Gore's plug-ready scalp are no match for Will's giant spike! These two Vanillas-in-Chief just wish they had hair half as exciting or memorable as Will Rockwood. Mark my words, come November, the candidate who most models his hair after Will's will be the one making plans for a January inauguration party.
Monday, March 14, 2000
I was wondering if you had a campaign theme song? We all remember the
Clinton campaign said Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow as we all rocked
out to Fleetwood Mac. I've been thinking about songs that would evoke the
kind of emotional response your supporters could really cling to. One that
keeps coming back to me is Space Lord. What do you think?
Mother, mother, you've asked a good question. The hardest part of picking a good campaign theme song is there are so many to chose from. For instance, upon reflection, Clinton would have been better off with Kiss's "Calling Dr. Love" rather than something by Fleetwood Mac. And while Monster Magnet does indeed give the necessary kick-in-the-pants to any average campaign, Rockwood 2000 is no average campaign. No, we needed a song that reflected our goals, so the Official Song of the Rockwood 2000 Campaign is "All I Wanna Do (Is Have Some Fun)" by Sheryl Crow. This may seem strange, but remember, we were looking for something that reflected our goals, and what makes a better goal than having Sheryl Crow personally come to your inauguration party?
Tuesday, March 22, 2000
Mr. Rockwood, recently President Clinton has been in a verbal shouting match
with NRA president Charlton Heston. If elected President what would Will's
strategy for handling verbal abuse from an ex-Moses be?
It's quite simple, really. Under each of the Rockwood cabinet member's desks will be an ape mask. Any time Chuck ventures forth into our offices, we'll put on the masks, throw a net over him, and just wait until he shouts out "Get your hands off of me you damned, dirty apes" so we'll know he's cracked. Then we'll give him a horse and a native girl and let him ride off down the beach. We don't anticipate any problems.
Thursday, August 10, 2000
After reading your 'Kids' section, I see that you are a brutally honest
person. How well do you think this will serve you when you meet with
foreign dignitaries and they make you so angry that you want to bitch
slap them, but can't because you are the President? Can you suppress
your honesty in these situations?
Who says a president can't slap someone in these situations? Sure it hasn't happened recently, but look who you're dealing with: Bush was a wimp, Clinton was a lover, not a fighter, and Reagan, while probably willing, was just too old. But think back... can't you imagine Teddy Roosevelt busting a few chops in his day? Rockwood will bring a new, vibrant energy to the White House that hasn't been seen since those "Bully!" days of the early 20th century.
So you can bet your britches that if the Japanese ambassador says something to upset Will, he won't respond with a simple vomiting. The Rockwood administration will be the 21st century version of "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Except instead of a stick, we're thinking megatons.