What better way to find out about the man who will soon be our president than by reading through an extensive list of trivial, personal facts? Check back often and learn first-hand about all of the idiosyncracies of a major presidential candidate!
Monday, February 21, 2000
Will once used a copy of Al Gore's "Earth in the Balance" to prop up a table leg.
Wednesday, February 23, 2000
Will's fantasy baseball league team has actually won a playoff game.
Friday, February 25, 2000
Will has never married a millionaire he didn't know on national TV.
Monday, February 28, 2000
Will has accepted no PAC money for his race for the presidency... unfortunately.
Wednesday, March 1, 2000
Will is all of that, a bag of chips, and a medium Coke in a combo meal.
Friday, March 3, 2000
Will would look better on any late-night show than any Republican.
Monday, March 6, 2000
Will thinks David Hasselhoff's blow dryer should come equipped with a trigger lock.
Wednesday, March 8, 2000
For our Minnesota voters, Will has all of the good qualities of Alan Keyes and Jesse Ventura, but he's not crazy.
Friday, March 10, 2000
Will has spent $20 million less than Bradley and McCain combined... and he's still in the race. Ha ha ha.
Monday, March 13, 2000
Al Gore may have invented the internet, but Will Rockwood invented "surfing."
Wednesday, March 15, 2000
Will is money, baby, he's so money!
Friday, March 17, 2000
Will Rockwood is a number one seed. Bush and Gore are number twos. Buchanan is NIT.
Monday, March 20, 2000
On St. Patrick's Day, Will was Bush's and Gore's designated drivers, and boy did they need it!
Wednesday, March 22, 2000
Will Rockwood invented the first day of Spring.
Friday, March 24, 2000
Will sees dead people.
Monday, March 27, 2000
Will Rockwood was up for seven nominations, but only won in the technical categories.
Wednesday, March 29, 2000
Will's got the fever for the flavor of a Pringle.
Monday, April 3, 2000
Will checked every box under "ethnic makeup" when filling out his census form.
Wednesday, April 5, 2000
Will would break up Microsoft into 270 million companies so everyone could be Bill Gates.
Monday, April 10, 2000
In a Failsafe situation, President Rockwood would trade either Los Angeles or New York for Moscow, depending entirely on which one gave him the most votes (hint-hint).
Wednesday, April 12, 2000
Will rallies 'round the family with a pocket full of shells.
Friday, April 14, 2000
Will Rockwood looks forward to being able to tell people, in a gruff voice, to "get off my plane!"
Monday, April 17, 2000
Will paid his fair share of taxes, using HIS definition of "fair" of course.
Wednesday, April 19, 2000
Will thinks it's too hot in the hot tub...OWWW!
Monday, May 15, 2000
Will can't wait for the Million Dad March, when fathers across the country demand La-Z-Boys for everyone!
Wednesday, May 17, 2000
President Rockwood would require locks to prevent the accidental release of Pez.
Friday, May 19, 2000
Now that "ER" is over for summer, maybe Will can get something done on Thursday nights.
Monday, May 22, 2000
Will has never been abducted by aliens, but he does have a small computer chip implanted in the back of his neck.
Wednesday, May 24, 2000
When elected, President Rockwood's first act would be to commission the building of a giant stone pyramid that would someday hold his remains.
Friday, May 26, 2000
Will plans to spend Memorial Day like any other American by stuffing himself with processed meat and greasy potato chips.
Wednesday, May 31, 2000
Will can't believe it's almost June already.
Friday, June 2, 2000
Will is celebrating CNN's 20th anniversary by watching Headline News until he pukes.
Monday, June 5, 2000
Will remembers when Pearl Jam was good.
Wednesday, June 7, 2000
Will Rockwood supports an anti-missile defense, as long as it's giant space laser frisbees.
Friday, June 9, 2000
Will Rockwood likes his hockey games to last less than five hours.
Monday, June 12, 2000
Even Will can hit more than fifty percent of his free throws.
Wednesday, June 14, 2000
Will has seen the third "X-Men" trailer 27 times. 28. 29. 30....
Friday, June 16, 2000
Will thinks anyone who would vote a cute, single woman off of their desert island needs to have their head examined.
Monday, June 19, 2000
Will Rockwood is one bad...SHUT YO' MOUTH!
Wednesday, June 21, 2000
Will plans to spend the first day of summer building a replica of Stonehenge out of old pizza boxes.
Friday, June 23, 2000
Will Rockwood plans on accepting his nomination for president in a city that DOESN'T riot at the drop of a hat.
Wednesday, June 28, 2000
Will thinks there isn't ANYONE man enough for Toni Braxton.
Friday, June 30, 2000
Here's Will's genetic code...G A T A C G A T A C A T C G G A ...
Monday, July 3, 2000
Will Rockwood would make bottle rockets legal everywhere.
Wednesday, July 5, 2000
Will Rockwood WAS the Real Slim Shady, but no longer wants the title.
Friday, July 7, 2000
Will Rockwood doesn't know his own strength. Presto!
Monday, July 10, 2000
Will Rockwood has won just as many tennis Grand Slam events as any other candidate.
Wednesday, July 12, 2000
Will thinks Lars needs a good kick in the pants with the reality boot.
Friday, July 14, 2000
Will Rockwood has never had a mullet.
Monday, July 17, 2000
Will remembers all his teachers telling him smoking would get him nowhere...well, $145 billion later, I guess we know they were wrong now, weren't they?
Wednesday, July 19, 2000
Will Rockwood has a list of 300 people known to be mutants.
Friday, July 14, 2000
Will is still wins away from golf's Grand Slam, but he enjoys the Denny's Grand Slam every Saturday.
Monday, July 24, 2000
If you got a problem, Yo! Will'll solve it. Check out his platform while his D.J. revolves it.
Wednesday, July 26, 2000
Will trusts that 75 percent of web users will send him one dollar for his efforts.
Friday, July 28, 2000
Will has formed a secret alliance to vote Clinton off the island.
Monday, July 31, 2000
Will Rockwood won't give away his whole presidency in the trailer.
Wednesday, August 2, 2000
If he's not elected president, Will is under contract to be the fourth man in the booth for Monday Night Football.
Friday, August 4, 2000
Will Rockwood has not been scripted for TV.
Monday, August 7, 2000
Will isn't coyote ugly.
Wednesday, August 9, 2000
Will's got his mind on his money and his money on his mind.
Friday, August 11, 2000
Will has his entire campaign staff doing two-a-days.
Monday, August 14, 2000
Will saw Al Gore throw a cigarette out the window somewhere in Montana.
Wednesday, August 16, 2000
Will hopes Rage Against The Machine will come and protest at HIS convention, as long as he can get front row seats.
Friday, August 18, 2000
Will thinks that a REAL environmental candidate wouldn't create six tons of confetti.
Monday, August 21, 2000
Will remembers when other people could win golf tournaments.
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
Will wouldn't try to sell people on the 21st century by riding a riverboat.
Friday, August 25, 2000
Will has never made a secret alliance.
Monday, August 28, 2000
Will is looking forward to the 2002 Vanilla Ice/Eminem double-bill.
Wednesday, August 30, 2000
Will would stand an even chance against Tiger Woods in the dark.
Friday, September 1, 2000
Will IS ready for some football.
Monday, September 4, 2000
Will thinks it should be illegal for it to be over one hundred degrees for 7,000 days in a row.
Wednesday, September 6, 2000
Will thinks that Hollywood needs to spend less money on special effects and more money on someone who could write believable dialogue.
Friday, September 8, 2000
Will decided to keep all his brain cells this year and NOT watch the MTV video awards.
Monday, September 11, 2000
Will is actively seeking congressional cartoon candidates who wish to ride his coattails.
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
If it will get him some free press, Will thinks that guy from the New York Times is an a******, too.
Friday, September 15, 2000
Will is happy that America is so problem-free that we can spend time debating a single frame of video.
Monday, September 18, 2000
Will is a sucker and will buy almost anything with the Olympic rings on it.
Wednesday, September 20, 2000
Will can bench press Pocket Hercules.
Friday, September 22, 2000
Will wonders why they don't do "Up Close and Personal" segments during the Super Bowl.
Monday, September 25, 2000
Will Rockwood got 10.0s from everyone else, but only a 9.5 from the Russian judge.
Wednesday, September 27, 2000
Will don't know karate, but he knows crazy.
Friday, September 29, 2000
Will hasn't lost a wrestling match in over 12 years.
Monday, October 2, 2000
Will would push a law that wouldn't let NBC broadcast any more Olympics until they've apologized.
Wednesday, October 4, 2000
Will thinks all debate answers should have to phrased in the form of a question.
Friday, October 6, 2000
Will is pretty fly for a white guy.
Monday, October 9, 2000
Will thinks winning the presidency will be a cakewalk if the governor of Texas is as easy to beat as the football team of Texas. Boomer Sooner!
Wednesday, October 11, 2000
Will is brought to you today without commercial interruption.
Friday, October 13, 2000
Will is the pompadous of love.
Monday, October 16, 2000
Will might not win the election, but he's pretty sure he can beat the spread.
Wednesday, October 18, 2000
Will isn't in the top one percent.
Friday, October 20, 2000
If Will can't win the presidency, next he'll campaign to be lead singer for Rage Against The Machine.
Monday, October 23, 2000
Will was the fifth Beatle.
Wednesday, October 25, 2000
Will is stealing votes that would otherwise go to Ralph Nader.
Friday, October 27, 2000
Will thinks Napster is quite possibly the greatest thing ever.
Monday, October 30, 2000
Will once knew three little girls that went to the Police Academy...
Wednesday, November 1, 2000
Will's first move as president would be just a jump to the left.
Friday, November 3, 2000
Will is glad the actors' strike is over because he really, really missed seeing new commercials.
Monday, November 6, 2000
Will wants to remind you, before you vote, that he knows where you live.
Wednesday, November 8, 2000
Will wants a recount.