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Friday, July 28, 2000
CHEYENNE, WY --Will Rockwood went on the attack Thursday, calling George W. Bush's choice for vice-president "as vanilla as the current VP is now."

"You wait for four years for a different choice in leadership, and this is the best they could do?" asked the cartoon character. "Geez, why didn't they just pick someone out of a hat?"

Rockwood 2000 campaign manager Al Vanguard called the move uninspiring, but definitely not unexpected.

"Look who you're dealing with," said Vanguard, "Dubya can't pick anyone with more charisma than he has, so he had to resort to some pudgy doughboy." He hinted that the worst is yet to come.

"If Bush had to pick someone this bland, just imagine who Gore will have to choose," said a clearly exasperated Vanguard. "A mannequin? A cigar-store Indian? Dick Gephardt? We're not exactly drawing from the top of the excitement barrel here."

Rockwood claimed it was just this type of boring thinking that will assure him of a victory in November.

"I'm still researching my choice for vice-president," he said, "But rest assured that when I do announce my running mate, it won't send America scurrying for the remote."

With the Toon Party convention just weeks away, Rockwood is expected to announce a running mate soon, but would give no timeline.

"Well, that would be pretty boring now, wouldn't it?" asked Vanguard. "We're trying to keep everyone on their toes."

Rockwood Reacts in Horror as Gore Shoots Roman Candles at Kids

Wednesday, July 5, 2000
PHILADELPHIA, PA --Third-party presidential candidate Will Rockwood said he was "horrified" to learn that Vice President Al Gore had aimed and fired a lit roman candle at some kids who were heckling him during typical Independence Day festivities.

"I think it says a lot about someone," said Rockwood, "That they can't be called loser, or boring, or wooden, or inneffectual--without shooting someone in the face with an explosive."

Rockwood 2000 campaign manager Al Vanguard was even more critical. "My God," he said, "What if he'd had access to bottle rockets? Or a jumbo pack of Black Cats? Or even those really pretty sparklers? We let this man lead....uh...well, he is just Vice President--but we let him be second in command?"

Reportedly, the trouble started when a bunch of teenagers surrounded the slow and predictably moving vice president and started taunting him. Finally, when one of them asked Gore if he made a sound when he fell in the forest, the vice president snapped.

Pushing aside his Secret Service agents, Gore grabbed an eight-ball roman candle from a spectator in the crowd and lit it, pointing it at the abusive teens and declaring, "Stop being mean to me!"

He then shot six brightly-colored, firey spheres at the children. As typical with cheap, second-rate fireworks, two of the shots did not go off.

"That's hardly an excuse," said Rockwood, clearly upset. "The vice president needs to learn how to control his anger when someone calls him overbearing, or tyrannical, or a zealot, or completely lacking in charisma. In fact, I'm surprised he hasn't already had enough experience at doing so."

Gore spokesmen, incidentally, denied the vice president ever bullied his way through Secret Servicemen to shoot roman candles at people

Vanguard retorted, "Sure, go ahead. Believe whatever 'the Man' says. But come November, expect a mighty angry ex-veep to be shooting up a newsroom somewhere with smoke bombs and M-60s because he didn't get his way."