Keep up to date on the progress of the Will Rockwood for President campaign by following him in the Rockwood Briefing Room. And help out by letting us know if you've heard of any stories about Rockwood's groundswell of support.

Wednesday, June 28, 2000
WASHINGTON, D.C. --In a historic anouncement, government scientists revealed that not only had they finally decoded the entire human genome, but in doing so they had discovered that third-party presidential candidate Will Rockwood was the perfect genetic specimen.

"Obviously I'm flattered," said genetically-perfect Rockwood. "But really, that's not what the presidential race is about. It's all about helping our fellow man."

Rockwood 2000 campaign manager Al Vanguard was more exuberant. "What would you expect him to say," said Vanguard. "After all, isn't that the perfect response?"

Scientists also revealed what they had discovered about other presidential candidates.

"Not surprisingly," they said, "It turns out that Al Gore has 15 percent more of his genes in common with trees and other plant life than the average human."

"And George W. Bush has a similar ratio to slime molds and other fungi."

Ralph Nader was not tested, but scientists theorize that his genes would fall somewhere in the leech or weasel family.

Rockwood said that his unveiling as being superhuman would not affect his strategy for November. "Merely being flawless isn't enough to qualify someone for the presidency," said the candidate, "After all, if we wanted flawless, how would you explain the past three elections?"

Vanguard added that the announcement of Rockwood being perfect was a complete but pleasant shock. "Who would have guessed that that hair was what everyone else should look like," he asked.

Rockwood's Social Security Solution? Lotto!

Wednesday, June 21, 2000
NEWARK, NJ --Claiming it as a "dead horse", third-party presidential candidate Will Rockwood pledged to grab hold of the "third rail" issue of Social Security and revive it into something that everyone, even if they can't collect, will at least be able to enjoy, a national lottery.

"We're putting the fun back in Washington," said Rockwood. "What could be more suspenseful than all of the nation's elderly watching the 6 o'clock news, hoping that their number comes up so they can pay next month's rent? Ratings will be through the roof!"

Rockwood 2000 campaign manager Al Vanguard said that Social Security was already a hit-or-miss proposition with anyone younger than 30 anyway, so why not make it interesting?

"Our polls indicate that twenty-somethings across the country think their odds of a lottery paying out are just as good as Social Security paying out," said Vanguard, "So we figured, why not just make that a reality?"

Rockwood called the plan simple. Current Social Security payments, instead of being funneled from the working to the retired, would now be deposited directly into a giant pool, where a weekly drawing would be held. Each dollar of "taxes" paid would then be turned into a corresponding number of lottery tickets.

Nine numbers, corresponding to an individual's Social Security number, would be drawn, with an exact match being paid $1million, and matches of seven and eight numbers being paid incrementally less.

"It will even allow us to cut out some of the bloated bureaucracy," said Rockwood, as hundreds of Social Security offices would be able to be closed, replaced by a central prize-check-writing agency in Washington.

Vanguard said that initially, the elderly would probably cry foul, but that after a few weeks, the incentive to "donate" more Social Security dollars, thus raising their chances of winning, would be so great that there would be a new influx of labor into the workforce.

"It's our hope that this financial incentive will be the driving force that stops our senior citizens from wasting their time watching 'Matlock,' and instead makes them productive citizens again, working behind the counters at McDonalds."

Rockwood Pledges All-Negative Campaign

"Mom always said if you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all," said Rockwood, "But what are my other options? I'm a candidate for president! I have to talk!"

Rockwood said that it was clearly a waste of time to campaign positively. "Oh, sure positive campaiging works," Rockwood sneered. "Just look how far it took Orrin Hatch."

Rockwood 2000 campaign manager Al Vanguard concurred. "In every election, the candidate with the dirtiest campaign wins, but in every election, that candidate lies about how clean his campaign is. We're just going to tell the truth from the outset."

"That truth being that Al Gore has all the charisma of a Dixie cup and that George W. couldn't fill that cup up with his intelligence," added Vanguard.

Besides, continued Rockwood, his new strategy was just designed to beat Gore to the punch. "I have to defend myself before he decries my 'risky election scheme,'" said Rockwood. "Puh-lease. Could he overuse that phrase any more? And for Pete's sake, the Macarena is four years old. Let it die!"

Vanguard wasn't any easier on Bush. "How about that plan to... to... uh... what ARE his positions anyway? Are we sure he's actually running for president?"

Rockwood reportedly has hired private investigators to dig into both Gore's and Bush's past for dirt. Vanguard confirmed this. "Oh yeah, we did that. But we only hired the cheap ones. We don't think they'll have to dig that hard."

Rockwood closed his speech by wishing New Yorkers well and hoping that they will survive Magneto's destruction of the city next month.

Rockwood, Putin Violate Civil Rights in KGB Hoedown

"Let's be honest," said Rockwood, "Once I'm elected president, I won't have a chance to do this, so I'm going to take a whack at it now while I have the chance!"

Rockwood and Putin started out their oppressive day by creating what they called the Internet Decency Law. "Of course," said Rockwood, "The joke is, who decides what's decent?"

"We do," laughed Putin, as the last branch of the KGB swept in and took the perpetrators away. "Oh, how I love that! Back in the glory days of the KGB we used to love a good loophole!"

But the leaders' day of persecution had just begun. Next they stopped by the Moscow Mall and strong-armed the local CD store (CD Da!) into labelling any album that had potentially offensive lyrics with a special "Mother Russia Approved" sticker. "The best part of this is that, technically, there isn't even a law," said Putin. "Just the threat from the government is enough. It's untraceable!"

The two continued along a similar track by leaning on the state-run television stations until they established a system of codes so that Russian parents would know whether or not to let their children watch a certain show. "The fact of the matter is that Russian adults are far too stupid to raise their own kids," said Rockwood. Putin nodded in agreement. "Everything will go much more smoothly once our code of 'Good for Russia' or 'Bad for Russia' is firmly in place," said the Russian leader.

The two also backed up their new TV code system by requiring the state television manufacturers to add a special chip, at their expense, to their TVs so that these codes may be interpreted. Laughed Putin, "Again, the joke is on the people. Only the children will understand how the programming works!" Putin and Rockwood rolled on the floor in laughter at the ignorance of the Russian family.

Putin and Rockwood had simlilarly big plans for tomorrow. "We're going to revoke some of the appeals of gulag inmates so they can be executed faster," said Putin. "After all, they've already been proven guilty, right?"

Rockwood finished by saying how glad he was to have gotten this chance to be a high-powered tyrant. "It's refreshing to have people ask 'how high' when you say 'jump,'" he said. "And let's face it, I'd never have a chance to sneak all of this stuff by the American people once I'm elected president. I've got to plant my iron boot on the head of freedom while I can!"