Keep up to date on the progress of the Will Rockwood for President campaign by following him in the Rockwood Briefing Room. And help out by letting us know if you've heard of any stories about Rockwood's groundswell of support.

"I not only back the Clinton administration's pre-dawn attack on this small American home," said Rockwood, "I don't think it went far enough!"

Rockwood pointed out that Janet Reno's reasoning for going in with heavily armed and armored police was due to reports of people in the Little Havana home owning weapons. "Sure, no weapons were actually found," said Rockwood, "But someone said there were some there, and I think that should be enough."

But Rockwood said that he had received reports that said the American Gonzalez family was in possession of far more than simple guns. "Our sources reported numerous howitzers inside the Gonzalez house, and satellite photos confirmed what looked like numerous SAM batteries in the back yard."

"Turns out it was just a swingset, but is that any reason to endanger SWAT team lives?"

Vanguard outlined the Rockwood plan, designed to protect the masked police intruders from potential surface-to-air missle attack from the Gonzalez house.

First, a squadron of F-4 Phantom jets would napalm the entire block. Vanguard said this was to insure that any of the Gonzalez's neighbors with heavy artillery would be neutralized. Next a unit of M-1 tanks would crush the fiery remains of the Gonzalez house in an attempt to rescue Elian.

"We realize that this plan was dangerous, risky, and could have resulted in a stray barrel of napalm incinerating the boy," said Vanguard, "But clearly something had to be done. I mean, did you see what those people were doing to Elian? They were feeding him well and taking him to Disneyland, for Pete's sake! How long could we stand by and let that continue?"

Vanguard said that after eliminating the threat the American Gonzalez family posed to Elian, the F-4s would then have turned their remaining napalm on the houses of the screenwriters of "Battlefield Earth."

Rockwood Sleeps Through Campaign Downtime

"This is the kind of leadership the people should expect," said campaign manager Al Vanguard. "What American wouldn't sleep through an unexpected break such as this? It just proves Will is a man of the people!"

Traditionally a slow month on the campaign for president, April wasn't part of the Rockwood 2000 campaign anyway, said Vanguard. "We're thinking of skipping May, too. We figure by June, the American people will be so tired of listening to the two frontrunners beat each other up they'll be hungry for new blood."

The Rockwood campaign also seemed unconcerned about losing votes during the downtime period. "Last time I checked all the voting happened in November, not May," said Rockwood. "Our strategy is to think long-term."

"For instance, we're low in the polls now, but no one knows about the vice-president selling crack out of the back of Air Force Two, or about Bush killing a guy," said Vanguard. "Once we release those stories to the public in July, we think we'll have as good a chance as anyone."

Vanguard stressed that until July, no one had heard either of those stories from him.